IIt’s become commonplace for movie stars these days to go about their little business. Gwyneth Paltrow has Goop, for example, and Rob Lowe has a podcast. And then there’s Terrence Howard. Terrence Howard’s part-time job is developing a new hydrogen technology that will help protect Uganda’s sovereignty.
It’s almost a shame to back this up with something as ugly as details, but here it is. Last week, Ugandan Minister of Agriculture Frank Tumwebaze invited actor, singer and war aborted Terrence Howard to give a speech to help attract investment from people in the Ugandan diaspora.
This in itself is quite common. Getting a famous person to say a few innocuous words about a subject or issue has long been part of the awareness raising toolkit. However, this time there was a problem. The problem was that Terrence Howard couldn’t be harmless. No, Terrence Howard is just impenetrably delirious.
“I went to explore a new way of understanding how the universe works,” he told the crowd in a video that was quickly shared by UBC Uganda. “I was able to define the grand unified field equation they were looking for and put it into the geometry. I’m talking about how we’ve invented a new form of flight that I would like to bring here to Uganda to replace drones, to replace helicopters, to replace airplanes… It’s the geometry of hydrogen.”
He went on and on, somehow managing to squeeze the gibberish of several decades into two short minutes. He talked about his new Lynchpin drone system, which can apparently use unlimited hydrogen bonds and supersymmetry to form swarming colonies that can protect countries and remove plastic from the ocean.
Now, obviously, that sounds great, because who doesn’t want to have safer borders and cleaner seas backed by the power of supersymmetry? So I googled “Supersymmetry” and found a website called “Supersymmetric Systems” that doesn’t do much other than chatter about how humanity’s purpose “was deliberately stigmatized in our genetic code. Like a subatomic, intertwined primal directive for us to seek the Greater Truth, to remember the lost echoes of conversations from the past, and to discover what has never been revealed.”
So I started clicking on the site and found a link on a site called “Terry on Wave Fields”. This led me to a site where Terrence Howard explains his infamous (and possibly incorrect) claim that one times one equals two. It contains one video titled “Terrence Proves Gravity Is an Effect, Not a Cause”, complete with explanations of phenomena such as “hyperbolic geometric inertial systems” and “non-Euclidean chiral force asymmetries in motion”. It also contains another video of Terrence Howard singing the second song from the album he released in 2008.
In short, I am now convinced that Terrence Howard is the smartest man in the universe. He must be, of course. Because I don’t understand anything he says. And, apparently, no one else.
Under the UBC tweet, you’ll find plenty of people agonizingly unsure how to react to his solution to the unified field equation. All the coverage it has received is far from luring diaspora money to Uganda, but actually reaching a kind of bemused inability to process anything. Even the people around Howard in the clip start to look awkward the more he keeps talking, just like you do when you realize you’ve gone too far with a Jehovah’s Witness to politely decline.
Oh, well, listen, one of two things will happen here. Either Terrence Howard has gone insane and reacted to the decay of his personal reputation (he has been accused of domestic violence several times) by falling into a hole of obscure mathematics that ensures he will never be taken seriously again. Or he is right, and one day he will have an army of armed super-symmetrical killer drones at his disposal. And I definitely don’t want to get into his bad side if that happens, so excuse me for sitting on the sidelines.
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